What I Saw

When I was a child, I had a vision of myself in the future.  


It was a sunny afternoon in Montreal.  I was in the back seat of my mom's Ford. I must have been really little because gazing out the window required looking up. We were driving down Montrose, and then it happened. 


Just as we passed Westhill, a film began playing in my mind. I saw myself before a crowd of people, but I'm not sure how large it was. I stood before them, but I stood for them, and I yearned for justice.  From my mouth came six words, and now that I understand who Martin Luther King Jr. is, I was a little bit like him.

"Do we not have the rrright???..."

The people knew exactly what I was talking about.  There was energy, emotion and urgency.


And then it ended.  


Mom and I drove on towards Windermere. 

Today, I still don't know what I was fighting for.  Today, I wonder if what I envisioned was destiny whispering itself into my being and preparing me for my mission. Today, it feels a lot closer to destiny unfolding.


What was your vision?  Are you living it?

What Love Really Means

I was unable to control my emotions last night, as I sang through the penetrating lyrics of JJ Heller's, What Love Really Means:


"Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become?
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means..."


The roller coaster ride between feeling adequate and inadequate is definitely a thrilling one!  Sometimes you know you're a gem, sometimes you feel you could be trampled on without anyone noticing.  I wish I always knew my worth and never based it on my achievements, flaws or failures.  I wish I always knew other people's worth and never based it on their achievements, flaws or failures.


Because when someone loves you for everything that you are and beholds it as this amazing treasure, it's an incredibly liberating experience.  You feel ok as you.  Quirks and flaws and brokenness.  


However, this unconditional love experience doesn't happen as often as I wish it would.  And I don't know how to fix the problem, other than love other people a little bit more unconditionally.


I also can't help but further analyze this topic, and I think there needs to be a disclaimer.


The famous Dr. Seuss quote says, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  I understand his gist, but that doesn't mean we have license to be wreckless with ourselves or other people.  I guess the big question is, are the characteristics that define us healthy ones?  Are we a beautiful, quirky mess, or are we toxic, destructive maniacs?  As much as unconditional love is an amazing blessing, we can't forsake our  betterment and then consider ourselves victims when nobody loves us.  Sometimes we are unlovable and need to change.


So, be the beautiful you that you are.  Exist as your unique self because there is no one quite like you, and it's fantastic!!!  But be aware of your character and don't justify your shortcomings as you.  Work to become the best version of yourself.

LYRICS to Worlds Collide

Strong Woman
Verse 1:
I'm in love with you
Do you know I exist?
How'd a strong, strong woman
End up like this?
Was it a long time comin'
That you'd mess up my world?
Turn a strong, strong woman
Into a patsy girl

Chorus:
Love, love
Don't pass me by
But if you do
Pick yourself back up, girl
It'll be alright

Verse 2:
Would it be so hard
For you to love me too?
What's a strong, strong woman
Got to do?
Did you see my face
When I caught sight of u?
This strong, strong woman
Has become a fool

Capable
Verse 1:
It's too late
You've lost your chance
The simple life just ain’t your romance
Saw you let go
Into your dreams
There's no going back now
To where you have been

Chorus:
Maintenant, t'es dans la merde
Maintenant, t'es dans la merde
Parce que tu m'as montré que t'es capable
Tu m'as montré que t'es capable
Tu m'as montré...

Verse 2:
God only knows
The places you’ve been
If you want it all, there’s no giving in
So, get your back up
Don’t hesitate
I told you once girl
You know it’s too late

And God only knows
The places you’ve seen
The simple life just ain’t in your dreams
It’s no wonder why you can’t relate
I told you this once girl
And now it’s too late

Bridge:
There’s no turning back girl
Look what you’ve done
Oh, now you can’t run
Just look what you’ve done
Look what you’ve done

The Path You Choose
Verse 1:
Journey-girl, journey-boy
Where you headed this time now?
You’re going somewhere but nowhere specific
Because the weight is carried on the trip
You’re going somewhere but who cares

Pre-chorus:
‘Cause the destination doesn’t matter as much
As the road I trudge, as the lives I touch
‘Cause the destination doesn’t define you
The meaning’s in the path you choose

Chorus:
Love will find a way when trouble finds your soul
Feel like I am new to this road
‘Cause I have tried to save what I’ve learned to let go
Don’t know where these feet wanna go

Verse 2:
Achieve this, achieve that
But the endpoint turns you back
To where you started, oh young one
Store it up, stow it well
Even if you go through hell
The pain brings good change, you’ll see it

Bridge:
I’ve been learning to let go
Following these feet
Turning down the next road
Not knowing where it leads
My direction can blind me
I’m hoping that I see
So I’m living for today
‘Cause tomorrow is a dream
So I love
The places, the people I meet
So I love
The changes I feel inside of me
We can trust
The plan that we make is a lesson
Learning to find how great is the blessing

Escape You
Verse 1:
I let you go
Came back to you
If love was fair
Man, you’d be through
You’re too blind
I am too
Guided by a higher truth

Chorus:
I can’t escape you
Come rain or hell
I try, I try
I can’t escape you
With everyday I die
A little inside
A little inside

Verse 2:
Hold onto
Big mistake
The things I fear
Keep me awake
Love exists
To break in two
I give it all
Back to you

Bridge:
You’re too tired to try, to try

Forgive Me, Mr. Edison
Verse 1:
Forgive me, Mr. Edison, I'm cryin’ on my knees
Only reached attempt number ten
And I'm cryin’ on my knees
They tell me, Mr. Edison, that failure’s a breeze
But I’m fallin’ more than I'm standing up
And I’m starting to wheeze

Chorus:
I’ve tried so many times oh
They keep telling me that it’s alright
I failed so many times, but I tried

Verse 2:
Forgive me, Mr. Edison, I'm cryin’ on my knees
Made it to number twenty-two
But I'm cryin’ on my knees
Why's it have to be so hard to become what we please
Don't know if I can try again
Oh help me Jesus, please

Bridge 1:
This time
I’m sick of the candlelight
I’m sick of the candlelight

Bridge 2:
This time
This time
This time
Forgive me, Mr. Edison, Forgive me, Mr. Edison
This time

That was Then, This is Now

Last night, my teammate, Joannie, and I were having our bedtime chit chat about the ups and downs of life.  We both exhaled with a sigh after she said, "I wish life and water polo and relationships could just be...perfect." Ya, me too...  She is recovering from breaking her thumb, which is really tough, especially when it's your dominant hand and you play a sport that requires gripping a ball with your...thumb. We're over here in Arizona, training with Arizona State University, and so the bother of her injury is especially troubling when it's GAME TIME!

As we reflected and shared our snippets of wisdom with each other last night, I remembered how I felt around this time last year.  I was in a completely different state of mind than I am now.  My injury wasn't physical, like Jo's, but my headspace was a war zone.

Enter journal entries.

February 9th, 2010:

"God, help me.  I don't know if this is my own ugliness, but I am just so down and also frustrated with water polo.  I don't want to go to practice right now.  At all.  I just want to not show up... It runs my life, and I want out.  The same demon that always comes back is back.  This feels so meaningless... it gnaws at me.  I can't deal with this season..."

(That's a troubled soul right there!  But look here:)

January 19th, 2011:

"Good morning from San Francisco!  Lord, thank you that my spirits are far more positive this year.  It's actually crazy!!!  I was at the end of my rope last year, so down in the dumps about everything.  And now, I am doing much better!!!  So, Lord, thank you, and I love you.  Thank you for this season.  May you make me stronger in it, so that my faith will be unshakable in hard times.  Because I know hard times are inevitable..."

Exit journal entries.

When I read over both entries, I am reminded that there is something so important about holding on when times are tough.  I feel like I have gone to such dark places when feeling really down, but I bet I am not the only one (right?).  I sometimes wonder who could plant such negative thoughts in my head?  It often feels so much bigger than me.  Like I am at war with a self that is not myself!  And it's all happening inside a mesh of cells the size of a large peach...in my head!  Bah!

But there is hope. And hope changes everything.  So, as I fell asleep last night, and Jo stayed up reading, still a bit uneasy about the reality of her situation, I told her that I was praying for her.  As dreamland approached, I prayed that she would be comforted, and that she would have hope.  I prayed that God would teach her something through this hard time and bring her to a better season like he did for me.

And so, here we are today. Practice went pretty well this morning, reports Jo!!!  We're one day closer to her full recovery.  We're one day closer to her shooting the ball with a ZINGGG!!! that I love to watch (I'm obsessed with players that flick their wrists really well--she's one of them).  We keep moving forward, yes we do, aware of the hills and valleys that make life life.

Confessions on Leadership

Today I realize a misconception I have about leadership. There is a part of me that only believes I am valuable in my role as a leader if I am leading a certain 'caliber' of people. That if you put me in the position to lead a country, boy am I a leader!!! But if you ask me to lead a team of overnight stockers at Walmart, ok, whatever, sure.

But what is leadership? It is the opportunity to impact, elevate and empower the lives around us.  It is our chance to be an example that inspires change. We can invest and care, sincerely.  And any life is worth it.


You see, if I were to lead a team of stockers, I would have the opportunity to teach them more than the most efficient way to replenish items on shelves.  Our lives extend into our jobs, and there is always something meaningful going on.  

What's beautiful and a bit suspenseful is that a lot of the time we don't choose who we are going to lead.  We may be positioned somewhere, but people still have the choice to value and take to heart what we do or say.  Often times, we are chosen. And I think that whether it's our little sister or our entire community, it is leadership just the same. And we ought to value our roles of leadership in other people's lives, no matter who they are.

With the Good comes the Bad?

With the good comes the bad. But with the good comes the bad comes the good comes the bad comes the good.

Thus is life. There will be pain and joy all throughout the ride.

Perhaps when we understand this, accept this and then remain enthusiastic through the reality of this, we will triumph over the day.

“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."
-Winston Churchill

"Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you."
-1 Peter 4:12

Progress

I have awoken this morning thinking about progress.  I thrive off of it in an intense, intense way, and I am lying here thinking that it's cool how we can show the world our progression into new and better things via the internet.  Yesterday, my friend posted pictures of her new dermatology office that is completely beautiful, and I thought, "Wow, Sam!!!", as I looked at her pictures.  Progress.

On my end, in just these past few months, I've shown you guys my website, I've brought you to inspire kids with me,  I've brought you to the studio,  I've posted sneak-peek, underwater pics of my EP cover, I've written some blogs, I've status updated about my Canadian Select League water polo team (that is in the championship game later on today, by the way!), and I've informed you of my travels to Hawai'i and Portland and Gatineau.  If you follow my story at all, you may think that I am a high-functioning individual, and you would assume that progress is a natural part of my life.  And you're right.

But, there is something the internet and all of my self-promoting can't necessarily give you guys, which is a window into the progress of my relationships.  Sure, I can tweet about the great conversation I had with my friend, @KarahHawkins, last night, but I can't really prove to you that our friendship is healthy and strong via the internet in the same way I can provide evidence for my budding career.

And that is something I think we all need to be aware of.  Ok, you're interesting because you're talented and do stuff with your time, but do you have true, loving relationships?

There is a high chance that you're not all over the internet letting the world know of your adventures, but that you're living an adventure of meaningful and life-giving relationships.  I think this really matters.  More than almost anything.  So, if you are, be encouraged!  There is substance to your journey, even if millions of people aren't hearing about it.

Relationships do not lead to quality of life; 

they ARE quality of life.

Showing Up

Yesterday, my sky was falling.  I was haunted with some thoughts and feelings I'd thought I'd worked though last year. The day was colored melancholy, and I couldn't seem to work it out.

But I had a water polo game at 5:30pm.  So, what to do?

Last year our swim coach, the very motivational Justin Finney, spoke a phrase to us that has rested in the forefront of my mind ever since.  He said, "Losers show up just to say they were there."  We had a strenuous swim set in front of us, and he wanted us to understand that we could get through it or we could give it our all.  What was our mentality going to be?  If we were only showing up to get through it, it was better for us to go home.  Don't show up just to say you were there.

So, yesterday I was sitting in my apartment asking myself why I was even going to go to my game?  I would only be getting through the experience, which is such an ugly way to live life.  So, why show up, Rosie?  Be true to your loser state of mind and stay home.

And then I remembered I was captain of my team and probably felt a little pressure to be awesome, so I went to the pool, still feeling soupy.  

It was probably about the second quarter of our game when it all changed.  The combination of a few nice shots I had, a few sweet shots by my teammate who was down about her shooting that morning and the best player of the other team getting kicked out of the game for talking back to the ref that made it all...fun!  My mood switched, and I was present again.  

What would have happened if I stayed home and sulked?  A gradual mood change, yes, but perhaps a lack of confidence in my ability to be mentally tough?

What I realized yesterday is that sometimes showing up is enough.  I remembered that having faith in something greater than myself leaves a little room for...drum roll, please...grace! If this story of life on earth was centered on me, and I was completely in control of how every star aligned, then there is that pressure to be absolutely perfect and present all the time.  But when I believe in a God that does extraordinary things with ordinary people and creates beauty out of mess, it changes the way I view 'showing up'.  

My friend Don explains it by saying that we are trees in a story about the forest.  And the story about the forest is better than the story of the tree.  I matter,--I am a pretty, lil' tree, folks!--but I am not the center of the universe, with all things resting on whether or not I can manage to have the best attitude in all moments.  I am human, I am flawed.  I will do what is needed to continually refresh my perspective; however, on days that I can't quite pull it together, I can still show up.  And you never know when something greater than you is at work, willing to magically pull you out of a melancholy state of mind that is rocking your entire world and causing you to reconsider all of your motivations and beliefs about yourself and life.

Exhale.

Young Women, Is This True?

You’re a girl.  You’re in school.  You watch Glee.  And you admit you watch Jersey Shore because everyone else seems to.  But you’re stumped because your life doesn’t seem as fun as Rachel’s.  So, you smoke a little, drink a little, experiment with drugs and mess with the wrong dudes.  Gotta pass time somehow.  Satisfy your curiosity.

Or maybe substances and Snooki don’t do it for you, but you feel stuck.  You don’t love math, you love English.  But then you don’t love English, you love math.  But then you don’t love either and ask who am I?!

Your family situation is a bit messier than most of your friends'.  You’re not sure you can amount to anything when you’ve come from what you’ve come from.  No support, no example.

And then there’s romance.  If only you had some, maybe your life would have purpose.

You retreat to your iPod, and sometimes it happens.  You love it and you hate it, but you can’t avoid it: you catch yourself dreaming. You catch yourself wondering if you were supposed to be somebody. You see yourself somewhere, doing the unthinkable.  You totally lose track of time and where you are because you’re caught up in a story that you’ve imagined for your life.  

The story you’re supposed to be writing with your life.

Birthday Request

It's my birthday today, and I am now 26.  Since today is about me!!!, I have a request.  Let me explain.

I have this friend named Michael Muniz, who I met while living in Los Angeles a few years ago.  We used to talk about our aspirations, both of us wondering what we'd make of our lives in the future.  He was about to finish his Master's degree and, well, I was jumping in pools all over the world.  Today, I'm happy to say that Michael has figured it out (and, yes, I'm still jumping in pools).

Michael is the General Manager for Generosity Water, a non-profit organization that builds clean-water wells in third-world countries.  The truth is, one billion people don't have access to clean water, and a child dies every fifteen seconds due to water-related illnesses.  (Just stop and think about that for a sec!!!)  In the past two years, however, Generosity Water has built over 120 wells (151 are currently funded) in 15 different countries, and the impact is amazing!  And tangible!  Michael has traveled afar to see some wells and the changes they've brought to entire communities.

Michael and a sustainable, clean-water well in Uganda!

So, my request: What I want for my birthday is for 24 people to join me in raising the money to fund a well in Liberia, the second poorest country in the world.  If we each give $10 a week for three months, we can raise $3,000!  It starts this month and culminates on December 25th, Chrismas day!

In case your inner skeptic has come out to play, I wanted to tell you that Generosity Water is legit!  A bunch of celebrities are on board.  And the process of donation-to-completion is fully explainable.





I know the problems in the world seem really overwhelming, and sometimes it's easier to turn a blind eye to it all.  But here is a way that we can understand and measure a difference we'll make.  No one is expected to do everything, but we can do something.

And once we do, it'll be exhilarating!!!  And we'll get video footage.  And I'm going to throw an epic party.

Who's up?  I need 24 friends to be crazy enough to think they can change the world with me.

Here is a link to our profile page, more information, and where we can keep track of how we're doing.  I just donated my dough for October, so add your name!

Manipulating Your Alter Ego

If life is a road, and the journey is in the car, my best self is always in the car.  If you've met me, you've met her.  She is the real Rosanna.  She can be pretty awesome.  The thing is, she is not always driving.  And in the car is also my alter ego, Rosetta, who sometimes takes the wheel.  (Yep, I named her.  It's more fun!  Try it.)

When I'm driving, I go where I want to go with joy and a strong capacity to be resilient no matter the circumstance.  When Rosetta drives, it's a bit of a different story.  She's quite the trouble maker, that Rosetta.  She wants to take me to Dairy Queen on lonely nights.  She wants to get the hell out of practice when we're only thirty minutes in.  And she definitely loves to slack off.

The thing is, I'm learning to mess with Rosetta.  I can push her buttons from the passenger side and get her to do what I want, to drive where I need to go.  And, so, I might be learning the art of manipulating my own self.

The other morning, I was having a hard time finishing our swim sprints with zeal.  Rosetta was preaching to me about how giving 90% on a 100% sprint was okay because it was the first week back at practice.  She was telling me that my coach needs to ease up a little.  Blablabla.

So, I played with her.

I told her that the hottest guy we've ever seen was on the pool deck, watching us, so we really needed to impress him.  Maybe he'd think we were so fast and take us on a date?  Maybe it would be the beginning of our love story, right then and there, because we were oh-so-fast!?

I knew in that moment that the real reason I wanted to swim fast--to make the most beautiful story out of the life God has given me--wasn't going to work.  Rosetta was driving.  So, I played some ball with her.

And we swam fast.

And I'm driving again!

If you can manipulate your alter ego without crossing any moral boundaries, I say go for it.  I know you feel that Dr. Octopus force inside of your head, convincing you that your existence is merely mediocre.  So, mess with it, play with it, dislodge it, love on it, and let it know that its spot in the driver seat will not last very long.

Rosanna and Rosetta, BFFs since 1948

Sneaky Beauty

On the journey to becoming our best selves, there are painful seasons of recognizing and fixing our character flaws.  Sometimes realizations about ourselves are awful, other times we're not as bad as we think.

I have loads of strengths and flaws.  What I have been struggling with lately is the balance between self-promotion and self-absorption.  It's hard to know when you're crossing the line from a good thing to a bad thing.  I also have a history of being judgmental.  I've noticed incredible improvements from sixth grade to now, but I kid you not, I could give your Baptist gramma a run for her money.  And then there's vanity.  Who doesn't struggle with vanity?   

As much as it's painful, sometimes recognizing an ugly aspect of our character is intensely meaningful because a veil of ignorance is lifted. You recognize, cry, note, work to improve.  But yesterday I noticed that sometimes I think I am worse off than I really am.

This is what happened.

I was on the metro, coming home from practice.  People were looking at me for a bit longer than usual.  I wondered if I could actually look that good after practice.  I figured probably not and continued reading my book.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror and laughed at myself.  I had black under my eyes like human-meets-racoon!  Woops, I forgot to wash off my mascara before practice!  That's why people were looking at me, silly.

What I realized after laughing at myself, slightly embarrassed, was that I also must have forgotten to look in the mirror before leaving the pool.  For someone who thinks she's vain, as much as I still felt embarrassed, I was also proud of myself.  I didn't even look in the mirror before leaving the locker room!!!  I washed, conditioned and brushed my hair.  But I didn't even take a glance at this purty face in some reflective glass.  That's serious stuff.

So, I bet you're not as bad as you think, at least in certain areas.  Maybe embarrassing or forgetful moments allow beauty to sneak out from inside.

Wouldn't It Be Terrible?

Wouldn't it be terrible if you fell in love and suddenly didn't care for all the Curious George stuff you loved while you were single?  The skydiving, the vagabonding and the establishing of yourself were all ways you disguised your search for love.  And so once you found love, you lost a lustre for life because something inside you believed a lie that your lover would now fulfill you and provide all the needed excitement.

But then you become boring.  And slowly but surely you forget who you are because you've stored your identity in your lover loving you.

This doesn't work.

Romantic love turns out unable to fulfill you.  You expect it to, but it lets you down.  And this let-down drives you into a loss of self and a loss of lover.

Wouldn't it be terrible?

      

Build Trust in Yourself

It's 1:04am, and I just got in from a jog.  Uhhh.

I committed to going for a run earlier today, and then the day went away with itself.  I had this and that planned, so I decided that I would run once I returned home tonight.

Well, it must be a full moon because I took the wrong metro twice in my own city and arrived home after 12:30am.  I really only inconvenienced myself about a half hour, but what was I thinking?!  I, first, took one metro in the wrong direction.  I, second, proceeded to fix my error.  I, third, forgot that I fixed my error and got off the metro at the wrong stop.  By the time I sat for my last ride, direction to destination finally figured out, I looked like I was high on something and seriously had to ask myself if I was dreaming.  I then thought that maybe I just needed to go straight to bed and save the run for tomorrow.  Jet lag, lack of sleep, who knows.

But then the better part of me argued back, imagining soldiers getting splashed with cold water in their sleepy faces to wake up for 3am drills.  Taking a 20 minute jog at 12:40am really can't be that bad, especially if I committed to it.

So, I went.  And it was dark and Fall out there.  I had a few twentysomethings whistle at me from their cars.  I listened to Alicia Keys' Superwoman (volume not to the max so I could be aware of nighttime creepers).  And it was done.

I'm home, and it wasn't too bad at all.  And I feel happy with myself.

You see, if we want people to trust us, we have to trust ourselves.  And the easiest way to trust yourself is to make a commitment to yourself and follow through with it.  Check.

Here's a great book on all this sort of stuff. It is very fantastic.

      

"There is absolutely nothing you can do that will increase integrity faster than learning how to make and keep commitments to yourself."

Harper, The Riptide

I was in Hawai'i last week visiting my childhood best friend, Steph, who gave birth to her first baby ten months ago. Her daughter's name is Harper, and you'd smile as big as she does if you met her. She has dimples under both eyes that forewarn of the heartbreaks she'll cause, and the size of her cheeks almost convince you that her DNA transcribed something to the effect of squirrel-storing-nuts.

Harper does not sit still and explores with the curiosity of Steve Zissou. She picks up everything she finds, and in order to experience an object of discovery to its fullest, she puts it in her mouth. (Yes, Steph has already performed kiddie heimlich once.) She crawls in the dirt and sand, smears food all over like it’s a work of modern art and repeatedly practices the new sounds that she’s learned to make with her mouth.

The other day at the beach, Harper was living life large by raising both of her hands up as high as she could in the air and then pouncing them down onto the sand with an excited squeal. We were at shore, and she loved when the tide would come in to cool her off. She also had no idea that a riptide could suck her back into the ocean, which is why Steph was close by to swoop her up.

After watching Harper play at the beach, I realized that there is something so beautiful in her unawareness. Harper doesn’t notice everyday dangers, which is why motherhood really is a full-time job, but she also cannot grasp unimportant details that many of us tend to dwell on. Whether you’re outwardly beautiful, whether you have acne scars or cellulite and whether your teeth are straight or yellow, she only sees you as human (or creature?) and craves but your smile, love and attention. She has no idea that her beach bag is from Pottery Barn Kids, and her only interest in my trendy, Ray Ban Clubmasters is to grab them off my face and throw them in the sand. She doesn’t mull over what you’ll think about her when she makes ungainly, excited movements with her arms or unorthodox sounds with her mouth; she exists purely and messily, as Harper.

So I was thinking that as much as our biggest fear at the beach would be for the riptide to take her away, I feel like she is a bit of a riptide, herself. And she’s taking me, at least a few steps, away from the stuff that doesn’t matter. She has reminded me that hollow trappings of material North America, that all things physical and superficial, are cheap substitutes for some of the things that really matter: love, relationships, and unadulterated yet messy fun! And once again, I see why the wisest of the wise tell us to be more like children.